1
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:06,533
(Trip) Okay, um, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Well, well, well.
2
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,533
Look who came to visit
my crib on Boardwalk.
3
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,233
You know it's gonna
cost you $200
4
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:14,233
but we have a live in
masseuse with magic fingers.
5
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:15,300
Magic fingers, huh?
6
00:00:15,366 --> 00:00:16,766
'Uh, huh, yeah yeah.'
7
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:17,766
Anyone I know?
8
00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:19,466
'Maybe, maybe not.'
9
00:00:19,533 --> 00:00:21,933
But why don't you spend the
night to find out. Hmm?
10
00:00:23,866 --> 00:00:26,000
For the love of God!
11
00:00:26,066 --> 00:00:27,700
Would you just take
your thimble over to
12
00:00:27,766 --> 00:00:30,100
one of my hotels and
get it on already?
13
00:00:30,166 --> 00:00:33,800
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
we are just friends.
14
00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:35,466
I mean, Roni has a boyfriend.
15
00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,000
Actually, we broke up.
16
00:00:38,433 --> 00:00:39,433
‐ Really? ‐ No.
17
00:00:39,466 --> 00:00:40,900
But I like your enthusiasm.
18
00:00:46,066 --> 00:00:48,200
(Trip) What? The dog!
The dog, dog.
19
00:00:49,333 --> 00:00:50,666
Big, big dog.
20
00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:54,166
‐ B‐big ol' dog. ‐ Walter! Nein!
21
00:00:54,233 --> 00:00:55,633
Where did my dog go?
22
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:58,800
Uh, hey, I don't know about a
dog but a T‐rex with spots
23
00:00:58,866 --> 00:01:01,206
just trampled through here.
24
00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:02,840
Max, when the hell
did you get a dog?
25
00:01:02,906 --> 00:01:04,206
I picked him up this morning.
26
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,473
You know, I'm just teaching
him a few simple commands.
27
00:01:07,673 --> 00:01:09,806
Walter! Kommen sie hier!
28
00:01:11,206 --> 00:01:12,273
[clattering]
29
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:17,206
Now, I hope that was the command
for clean up the damn kitchen.
30
00:01:19,206 --> 00:01:21,840
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
31
00:01:21,906 --> 00:01:23,906
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
32
00:01:23,973 --> 00:01:26,206
♪ And in a nineties
kind of world ♪
33
00:01:26,273 --> 00:01:28,506
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
34
00:01:28,569 --> 00:01:29,849
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪
35
00:01:29,873 --> 00:01:31,216
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
36
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,120
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
37
00:01:33,144 --> 00:01:35,340
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
38
00:01:35,406 --> 00:01:37,440
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
39
00:01:37,506 --> 00:01:39,306
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
40
00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:42,230
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
41
00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:46,373
♪ Haaaa ♪
42
00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:52,440
So, I see my mom and this bloke
43
00:01:52,506 --> 00:01:54,206
with their bums all
out on the bed
44
00:01:54,273 --> 00:01:55,306
and I say to her
45
00:01:55,373 --> 00:01:56,906
"I don't care who
you're boinking
46
00:01:56,973 --> 00:01:59,306
as long as I get me cheese."
47
00:02:00,580 --> 00:02:01,980
'You guys are easy.'
48
00:02:02,046 --> 00:02:06,880
Ooh, Synclaire, you are the
essence of a Gotham player.
49
00:02:06,946 --> 00:02:09,146
You have truly mastered
the skill of..
50
00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:12,046
Improvisation.
51
00:02:12,113 --> 00:02:14,113
Mmm, yes, thank you.
52
00:02:14,180 --> 00:02:15,480
I don't know.
53
00:02:15,546 --> 00:02:17,066
I think your Cockney
had a bit too much
54
00:02:17,090 --> 00:02:20,680
Manchester in it for
my taste, yeah.
55
00:02:20,746 --> 00:02:22,546
Of course, you know I
lived there in the 70's.
56
00:02:22,613 --> 00:02:24,780
Any chance you'll be
moving back in the 90's?
57
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:30,180
Gotham players, what
say we call it a day?
58
00:02:30,246 --> 00:02:33,013
Oh, don't forget party at
my place next Saturday.
59
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,180
Bring your dance shoes,
I'll provide the music.
60
00:02:35,246 --> 00:02:37,813
And of course, paella.
61
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,013
You know I love my paella,
you know I like my paella.
62
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,480
That's good stuff.
Alright, you all.
63
00:02:41,504 --> 00:02:42,746
Take care. See you next week.
64
00:02:42,813 --> 00:02:45,146
‐ Alright. Bye. ‐ Bye.
65
00:02:45,213 --> 00:02:47,413
You know, Synclaire.
66
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,913
I'd like to do something..
67
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:51,380
Magnanimous for you.
68
00:02:52,946 --> 00:02:54,480
I'd like to work with you
69
00:02:54,546 --> 00:02:57,280
and help you to realize
70
00:02:57,346 --> 00:02:59,980
the full extent of your talent.
71
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:02,586
Oh, Marco, you'd do that for me?
72
00:03:02,653 --> 00:03:06,553
Wow, unselfish. How generous.
That's..
73
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,500
You're not trying to get
in my drawers, are you?
74
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,686
Now, I wouldn't cheapen our
relationship like that.
75
00:03:11,753 --> 00:03:12,986
‐ Okay. ‐ Now..
76
00:03:13,053 --> 00:03:16,486
The important thing is to
find the signature character
77
00:03:16,553 --> 00:03:17,873
that all the great ones have.
Hmm?
78
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,020
‐ Flip Wilson had Geraldine.
‐ Yeah.
79
00:03:20,086 --> 00:03:21,886
Gilda had Roseanne,
Roseanna Danna.
80
00:03:21,953 --> 00:03:25,220
And of course, I have Boogey,
the Russian candle maker.
81
00:03:25,286 --> 00:03:27,086
Hmm..
82
00:03:27,153 --> 00:03:28,153
Boogey's Russian?
83
00:03:29,486 --> 00:03:30,786
Yes. Okay, well..
84
00:03:30,853 --> 00:03:32,496
You sit down and I'm gonna
show you something.
85
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:33,453
Okay, let's see. Um..
86
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:34,453
[clears throat]
87
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:35,886
How about Lucille
88
00:03:35,953 --> 00:03:38,386
the embittered lounge singer?
89
00:03:38,453 --> 00:03:40,686
♪ A one, a two, a
one, two, three ♪
90
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:45,920
♪ What the world needs
now is love sweet love ♪
91
00:03:45,986 --> 00:03:49,520
Hey, hey you, table six!
92
00:03:49,586 --> 00:03:52,286
Get your hooked‐nose out of that Martini.
It's all about me!
93
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,920
♪ That's the only
thing that there's ♪
94
00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:59,920
♪ Just too little of what the.. ♪
95
00:03:59,986 --> 00:04:01,626
Hell are you doing?
96
00:04:01,693 --> 00:04:06,393
Spotlight on me. Not that
bimbo with the fake boobs!
97
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:10,826
♪ Nah huh yeah ♪
98
00:04:12,726 --> 00:04:14,760
Bill Marrion,
Saturday Night Live.
99
00:04:14,826 --> 00:04:17,193
You know I gave him that bit
at a little improv theater
100
00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:19,226
at SoHo back in '75.
101
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,426
Hmm. Hack.
102
00:04:22,026 --> 00:04:24,560
Alright, sink your comedy
chops on this one.
103
00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:37,226
Um, either we having flash
flood warnings or..
104
00:04:37,293 --> 00:04:40,193
My baby about to launch
into my favorite character.
105
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:42,793
Well, my favorite vertical
character anyway.
106
00:04:47,260 --> 00:04:50,026
Hello, I'm here to
speak on behalf of
107
00:04:50,093 --> 00:04:52,260
our forgotten
segment of society.
108
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:54,526
You know that one out of ten
109
00:04:54,593 --> 00:04:56,760
Americans has no vowels
in their last name?
110
00:04:56,826 --> 00:05:00,166
It's true. "Hello,
I'm Grazilda Flnh.
111
00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:02,400
F‐L‐N‐H, Flnh!"
112
00:05:02,466 --> 00:05:03,500
See that, no vowels.
113
00:05:03,566 --> 00:05:05,046
And I also drool.
Would you excuse me?
114
00:05:05,070 --> 00:05:07,033
I hope I didn't catch
you out there.
115
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:10,433
My boyfriend, Bill
Prftk, is also a member.
116
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,500
And he spits when he talks.
And oh, it's scary.
117
00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:14,600
When we have a fight, we've
to wear rain slickers.
118
00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:16,466
Oh, I got you again.
Got you again.
119
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,066
[laughs]
120
00:05:20,133 --> 00:05:22,333
Uh, what, what‐what's wrong?
121
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,266
[indistinct] caught
in a bad trap, Marco?
122
00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:28,900
No, I, uh, I get personally
offended by vowel bashing.
123
00:05:28,966 --> 00:05:31,866
My mother's maiden name
happened to be Pfft.
124
00:05:31,933 --> 00:05:33,033
Alright, let's..
125
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,866
Synclaire, uh, keep the faith.
126
00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:40,666
You'll find that character
that'll take you to the top.
127
00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,400
‐ Hmm, yeah. ‐ 'Right. Yeah.'
128
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,433
Yeah, well, only top he
gonna see is the big top
129
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,400
with all the rest of the clowns.
130
00:05:49,466 --> 00:05:50,566
Oh, don't mind Marco.
131
00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:52,153
He's just tryin' to
give me the benefit
132
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:55,466
of all those years of
bitterness, you know.
133
00:05:55,533 --> 00:05:58,333
Hey, looks like one of your
thespian friends left her bag.
134
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,066
‐ Oh.. ‐ Let's see what we got.
135
00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:04,773
Hmm, let's see. They got
Valium, Prozac, Old Spice.
136
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,673
My money is on Marco.
137
00:06:08,482 --> 00:06:09,482
Oh, did you look at this?
138
00:06:09,506 --> 00:06:10,673
See.
139
00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:13,473
"Marco, the experience,
a one‐man show."
140
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,806
Tonight!
141
00:06:14,873 --> 00:06:16,706
I wonder why he didn't
tell us about this.
142
00:06:16,773 --> 00:06:20,440
Cause he's unfunny, talentless
and prefers to bomb in private.
143
00:06:22,406 --> 00:06:24,606
I say we get some rotten
tomatoes and go down there
144
00:06:24,673 --> 00:06:26,073
and show him our support.
145
00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,540
Walter, herunter.
146
00:06:31,606 --> 00:06:32,973
Herunter!
147
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,740
Max, you teaching
that beast German?
148
00:06:38,073 --> 00:06:40,340
Yes, German is the
language of discipline.
149
00:06:40,406 --> 00:06:42,940
Walter, herunter! Herunter!
150
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:47,440
He is a smart dog.
151
00:06:47,496 --> 00:06:48,616
You know, we had him one day
152
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,306
and he already learned
how to ignore you.
153
00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:53,406
What are you doin' with a dog?
154
00:06:53,473 --> 00:06:55,940
You couldn't even keep that
gold fish alive for a week.
155
00:06:56,006 --> 00:06:58,573
That fish was suicidal
when I bought him.
156
00:06:58,640 --> 00:06:59,873
Besides, you know what?
157
00:06:59,940 --> 00:07:02,013
I‐I need somebody.
You've got Scooter.
158
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,146
Overton and Synclaire,
they've got each other.
159
00:07:04,213 --> 00:07:06,580
Why, even that diva midget
went off and found somebody.
160
00:07:06,646 --> 00:07:08,180
Walter, herunter!
161
00:07:08,246 --> 00:07:09,580
Herunter!
162
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,580
Okay, Walter, get down!
163
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,813
English!
164
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,040
Think you're on to somethin'.
165
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,180
(Marco) 'Ladies and gentlemen'
166
00:07:20,246 --> 00:07:23,713
'the Majestic theatre is proud
and pleased to present'
167
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:27,146
'one of the greatest comedians
to ever grace our stage.'
168
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:30,880
Please, give a rousing welcome to Mr.
Marco McCulloch
169
00:07:30,946 --> 00:07:33,313
in "Marco, huh, the experience."
170
00:07:35,946 --> 00:07:38,613
Hi, how're you doin'?
Hi, hi, hi.
171
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,446
I'm here representing a‐a
forgotten segment of America.
172
00:07:41,513 --> 00:07:43,680
Did you know that one out
of every ten Americans
173
00:07:43,746 --> 00:07:45,480
have no vowels in
their last name.
174
00:07:45,546 --> 00:07:47,746
'Hi, hello, I'm Bill Prftk.'
175
00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:50,313
I'm the president of the
"No Vowel Foundation."
176
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,846
Did you get any? I'm here.
We'll clean you up later.
177
00:07:52,913 --> 00:07:56,146
Obie, Marco stole my act.
178
00:07:56,213 --> 00:07:59,246
Damn, by the looks of things,
took one of my belts, too.
179
00:08:05,582 --> 00:08:07,262
(Marco) 'Thank you, thank
you, one and all.'
180
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:08,286
Tell a friend.
181
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,053
Hell, tell the world about.
182
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,753
"Marco, the experience."
183
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:12,986
Good night and God bless.
184
00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:15,953
[feeble applause]
185
00:08:16,853 --> 00:08:18,453
[sighs]
186
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,120
I love you right now.
187
00:08:21,186 --> 00:08:22,820
Great show, Marco!
188
00:08:22,886 --> 00:08:25,086
I really connected
with the material.
189
00:08:25,153 --> 00:08:28,753
Now I'm gonna connect with your
two‐face character stealin' ass.
190
00:08:28,820 --> 00:08:30,920
Come on, come on. Come on, come on.
Baby. Baby..
191
00:08:30,986 --> 00:08:32,186
Baby, come on, now.
192
00:08:32,253 --> 00:08:34,086
You know you're wrong.
You know you're wrong.
193
00:08:34,153 --> 00:08:35,620
You got to lead
with you ring hand.
194
00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:36,786
Do more damage that way.
195
00:08:36,853 --> 00:08:37,953
‐ Here we go. ‐ Okay, okay.
196
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:39,020
Now it occurs to me that
197
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,020
I understand the reason
198
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:41,453
you might be tad angry tonight.
199
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,920
As I ratchet back
through tonight's show
200
00:08:43,986 --> 00:08:46,853
I realize that I may have
subconsciously borrowed
201
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,186
one or two lines from‐from
your repertoire.
202
00:08:49,253 --> 00:08:50,953
Borrowed? Borrowed?
203
00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:52,720
You stole my whole..
204
00:08:52,786 --> 00:08:55,286
Oh, you stole my whole act, man.
205
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,120
You pathetic
206
00:08:59,186 --> 00:09:01,560
lowdown, sleazy..
207
00:09:02,493 --> 00:09:05,760
Backstabbing, snake, pathetic..
208
00:09:05,826 --> 00:09:07,146
Oh you, you already
said pathetic.
209
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:08,593
I did, I did.
210
00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:10,693
You forgot washed up.
211
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,860
Do you know, once upon
a time, I actually
212
00:09:12,926 --> 00:09:14,360
was somebody in this town.
213
00:09:14,426 --> 00:09:17,793
But that was many years
and many Martinis ago.
214
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:19,660
Anyway..
215
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,293
[wheezes] After my star fell
216
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,460
my wife took the
kids and left me.
217
00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:26,160
So, I was hoping that if
this show was a success
218
00:09:26,226 --> 00:09:27,393
possibly that
219
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,360
maybe I could begin
to pay child support.
220
00:09:29,426 --> 00:09:31,160
Well..
221
00:09:31,226 --> 00:09:32,726
Silly, silly Marco.
222
00:09:33,493 --> 00:09:34,493
Boy.
223
00:09:35,393 --> 00:09:37,360
Talk about tears of a clown.
224
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,560
You know I, I give you my word
Synclaire, that this will be
225
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:46,593
the last brilliant performance
of "Marco, the experience."
226
00:09:48,693 --> 00:09:50,493
Alright, forget it, Marco.
227
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,093
You can keep my characters
as long as you need them.
228
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,693
I just suggest that you work
on the delivery of "Prftk."
229
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,160
I heard a vowel
distinctly in there.
230
00:09:58,193 --> 00:10:00,260
‐ There's no vowels. Get it?
‐ Yes, right. Yes.
231
00:10:00,326 --> 00:10:02,433
Oh, thank you. Bless you.
Thank you, Synclaire.
232
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,666
Or should I say Saint Synclaire.
233
00:10:04,733 --> 00:10:05,933
Yeah.
234
00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:10,266
Hey, yo, bro, you wanna give
up that belt right quick?
235
00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:15,766
Sorry, uh, get you the
socks in the next week.
236
00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:17,100
No, you can keep it.
237
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:24,233
Oh, Khadijah, I'm so tired.
Whoop!
238
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,500
[speaking in foreign language]
239
00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:28,466
Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
Schnell.
240
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:29,833
Schnell.
241
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,300
'Yes.'
242
00:10:31,366 --> 00:10:34,733
Hey. Alright, Walter's here.
243
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,233
Well, look, did he
pass my cellphone yet?
244
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,600
I'm expecting a call.
245
00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:43,900
We got kicked out of
obedience class today.
246
00:10:43,966 --> 00:10:45,666
This dog is killing me.
247
00:10:45,733 --> 00:10:48,466
He mistook a Chihuahua
for a chew toy.
248
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:52,633
Roni and I could take him off
your hands for a little while.
249
00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:56,100
Hey, Walter, how would you like
to go and pick up a pretty DJ
250
00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:57,500
and go for a walk, huh?
251
00:10:57,566 --> 00:11:00,240
Whoa, wait, hey, hey, hey.
What's the command for stop?
252
00:11:00,306 --> 00:11:02,606
Walter, schnell, schnell!
253
00:11:02,673 --> 00:11:07,506
Great, ha‐ha, that mongrel
is ruining my life.
254
00:11:07,573 --> 00:11:11,040
Khadijah, what the
hell am I gonna do?
255
00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:12,506
I say you rent a horse trailer
256
00:11:12,573 --> 00:11:14,806
and take him back to the stable.
257
00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:17,473
What kind of mother would
I be if I did that?
258
00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:20,740
Well, last time I looked, uh,
Walter was a dog, not a baby.
259
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:23,206
What if he was a baby?
260
00:11:23,273 --> 00:11:25,206
What if I was his mother?
261
00:11:25,273 --> 00:11:27,006
What if I told you
I was pregnant?
262
00:11:27,073 --> 00:11:29,240
[laughs]
263
00:11:29,306 --> 00:11:32,773
Ooh, I'll pray for the
future of all mankind.
264
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,506
I'm pregnant.
265
00:11:36,573 --> 00:11:38,306
Uh‐huh, yeah, right.
266
00:11:38,373 --> 00:11:40,440
[chuckles] You stupid, yo.
267
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,540
Not a joke.
268
00:11:43,606 --> 00:11:45,640
Doctor confirmed
it two days ago.
269
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,806
[Khadijah screaming]
270
00:11:54,106 --> 00:11:56,040
But.. Wha.. Wh..
271
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,006
Mine.
272
00:11:58,073 --> 00:11:59,780
And donor number 432.
273
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,840
‐ You mean you‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah.
274
00:12:02,864 --> 00:12:04,546
Artificial insemination.
275
00:12:04,613 --> 00:12:06,246
No fuss, no muss, no man.
276
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:10,146
Well, how.. How far are you?
277
00:12:10,213 --> 00:12:11,313
Three weeks.
278
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:17,580
[screaming]
279
00:12:21,213 --> 00:12:22,813
Max, what the hell
is wrong with you?
280
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,046
Nothin'. I.. I don't know.
281
00:12:25,113 --> 00:12:27,113
I was searchin' for fulfillment
282
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,680
and, you know,
something in my gut
283
00:12:28,746 --> 00:12:30,013
told me that this was it.
284
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,446
See, that's your problem.
285
00:12:31,513 --> 00:12:33,280
You always thinkin'
with your stomach.
286
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,580
Max, we're talking
about a child here.
287
00:12:37,813 --> 00:12:40,046
Khadijah, look, I came down
here for some support.
288
00:12:40,113 --> 00:12:42,394
Now, the least you can do is
tell me that I have no reason
289
00:12:42,418 --> 00:12:44,546
to be scared to death right now.
290
00:12:44,613 --> 00:12:47,013
Scared? Why?
291
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,746
Because you can't take a
baby back to the pet shop
292
00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:51,880
when it doesn't schnell
because you told him to.
293
00:12:53,413 --> 00:12:56,380
Or‐or maybe because you can't
put him on the backburner
294
00:12:56,446 --> 00:12:59,946
like you did your career when
it stopped satisfying you.
295
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,420
Or maybe it's because you‐you
can't send it off to London
296
00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:05,486
when it asks for more than
you are willing to give.
297
00:13:05,510 --> 00:13:07,786
‐ Yeah, alright, yeah.. ‐
I know why you're scared.
298
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:08,786
You know why you're scared, Max?
299
00:13:08,853 --> 00:13:09,786
Yeah, why, why?
300
00:13:09,853 --> 00:13:11,053
Because..
301
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,920
For the first time in your life
302
00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:14,426
you gonna have to
deal with somethin'
303
00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:16,253
that you can't control.
304
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,053
Somethin' that's gonna
control you, girl.
305
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:24,320
Oh, God! God!
306
00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:27,153
Khadijah, what have I done?
307
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:29,653
Somethin' so impulsive
308
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,453
so typical, so Max‐like.
309
00:13:35,053 --> 00:13:36,086
I'm doomed.
310
00:13:37,553 --> 00:13:38,920
I can't even..
311
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:42,686
Get a full‐grown dog
to go on a newspaper.
312
00:13:42,753 --> 00:13:44,653
How can I potty‐train a baby?
313
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,753
Well, first of all, I think
Walter is a little off.
314
00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,486
From the door. You
know what I'm saying?
315
00:13:52,953 --> 00:13:55,220
Besides, look, I know you
can't see it right now
316
00:13:55,286 --> 00:13:57,486
but maybe this,
this is a blessing.
317
00:13:57,553 --> 00:13:58,553
Okay?
318
00:13:58,586 --> 00:14:00,526
Nine months from now..
319
00:14:00,593 --> 00:14:02,793
You gonna have a little
person in your arms
320
00:14:02,860 --> 00:14:05,826
who you can't put down,
that you can't run from.
321
00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:09,693
Baby is gonna force
mommy to grow up.
322
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,593
You actually think
I can do this?
323
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,526
Oh, please. I know you can.
324
00:14:22,593 --> 00:14:25,726
You know, it takes a
village to raise a child.
325
00:14:25,793 --> 00:14:28,093
In your case, it's gonna
take about five boroughs.
326
00:14:30,326 --> 00:14:31,360
But we got your back.
327
00:14:31,426 --> 00:14:32,926
‐ Oh, thank you. ‐ Oh, my God.
328
00:14:32,993 --> 00:14:34,926
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
329
00:14:34,993 --> 00:14:36,593
‐ You're pregnant. ‐
Yes, I'm pregnant.
330
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:38,960
[laughs]
331
00:14:39,026 --> 00:14:40,860
Oh, God!
332
00:14:40,926 --> 00:14:43,693
You know, it's just a
thought, just a thought.
333
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,860
You know, I.. Maybe, you know..
334
00:14:46,926 --> 00:14:49,226
'Cause with all that,
you know, so much..
335
00:14:49,293 --> 00:14:51,626
Maybe you'd consider
being a wet nurse.
336
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,593
No.
337
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,666
Salutations.
338
00:15:02,966 --> 00:15:04,100
‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Synclaire.
339
00:15:05,966 --> 00:15:09,633
I heard the devastating
news about Marco.
340
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,033
I just want to assure
you that Gotham players
341
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,300
do not condone this
type of behavior.
342
00:15:14,366 --> 00:15:17,966
I'd fire him on the spot
if he didn't have those..
343
00:15:18,033 --> 00:15:19,100
Pictures.
344
00:15:22,633 --> 00:15:24,700
Don't worry, Phil,
everything's fine.
345
00:15:24,766 --> 00:15:27,133
Once he explained to me
that he needed this break
346
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,733
to pay his child
support, I understood.
347
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,800
Poor dear.
348
00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:35,400
That "poor dear" is
a far better actor
349
00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:36,566
than I thought.
350
00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:39,033
The man has no children.
351
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:44,766
And his ex‐wife pays him six
figures a year in alimony.
352
00:15:44,833 --> 00:15:48,000
I'm sure you've heard of her.
Television's Joyce DeWitt.
353
00:15:48,066 --> 00:15:51,966
From the classic small screen
farce "Three's Company?"
354
00:15:52,033 --> 00:15:53,833
Ooh, man, I was only 12
355
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,833
but I knew Janet
had it goin' on.
356
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,733
Wait a minute.
357
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,873
Wait a minute, you mean that man
stole my act and he lied to me?
358
00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:07,140
Oh, ho! Oh, my ears
are gettin hot.
359
00:16:07,206 --> 00:16:09,440
Back it up, my
ears are get‐‐ Oh!
360
00:16:09,506 --> 00:16:12,073
Fear not. Fear, fear not.
361
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,306
Phil..
362
00:16:21,373 --> 00:16:23,840
How's the plan?
363
00:16:23,906 --> 00:16:27,673
If I do say so myself,
it's diabolique.
364
00:16:29,806 --> 00:16:31,040
De‐oblique.
365
00:16:32,606 --> 00:16:34,540
Boy got a li'l Joan
Crawford in him.
366
00:16:35,873 --> 00:16:36,940
A whole lot.
367
00:16:37,906 --> 00:16:40,806
♪ What the world needs now ♪
368
00:16:40,873 --> 00:16:43,640
♪ Is love sweet love ♪
369
00:16:43,706 --> 00:16:44,973
Oh, I can't believe it.
370
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,506
It's twelve years later,
and he is still doing that
371
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:50,506
schlock lounge singer act.
372
00:16:50,573 --> 00:16:54,773
Actually, Miss DeWitt, it's my
schlock lounge singer act but..
373
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,073
Oh, Synclaire, I'm so sorry,
374
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,806
I'm sure it's very
funny when you do it.
375
00:16:59,273 --> 00:17:03,680
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
376
00:17:05,513 --> 00:17:07,113
Is a short intermission.
377
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,880
Everybody, please
stay in your seats.
378
00:17:12,980 --> 00:17:14,913
Joyce, darling, you..
379
00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:17,513
You look positively ravishing.
380
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,846
You're just as transparent
as you were when I met you.
381
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:21,480
Yeah.
382
00:17:21,546 --> 00:17:24,013
And you said that you
weren't working.
383
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:28,580
But look, here you are,
dishing out the garbage.
384
00:17:28,646 --> 00:17:32,113
I'm so sorry, I'm sure it's
much better when you do it.
385
00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:33,346
(Marco) 'Joyce, trust me.'
386
00:17:33,413 --> 00:17:35,346
I'm working here for free, okay.
387
00:17:35,413 --> 00:17:37,280
So who's making all that money
388
00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:39,180
that they are
charging at the door?
389
00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:42,113
‐ That's your cue, Miss DeWitt.
‐ Thank you, Overton.
390
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:44,046
Hey, it's television's
Joyce DeWitt.
391
00:17:44,113 --> 00:17:46,713
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
television's Joyce DeWitt.
392
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:49,280
We were formerly married, now
we're, we're just good friends.
393
00:17:49,346 --> 00:17:50,646
Thank you.
394
00:17:50,713 --> 00:17:53,346
Thank you, thank
you all very much.
395
00:17:53,413 --> 00:17:54,713
Now.. [clears throat]
396
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:57,646
According to the
terms of our divorce
397
00:17:57,713 --> 00:17:59,713
and I quote.
398
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:03,353
"Failure to report any
income renders null and void
399
00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:06,686
the entire alimony agreement."
400
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:10,120
And now, let's see..
401
00:18:10,186 --> 00:18:11,586
What does that mean?
402
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:16,220
Synclaire honey, could
you help me out here?
403
00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,320
Sure thing, Joyce. Love to.
404
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,953
I believe it means this.
405
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:25,386
Goodbye, gravy train.
Hello Government cheese.
406
00:18:26,753 --> 00:18:29,220
Hang on, baby. I mean, what‐what
about the good times, huh?
407
00:18:29,286 --> 00:18:30,753
Good times?
408
00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:32,220
Far as I can tell
409
00:18:32,286 --> 00:18:34,586
they've just begun.
410
00:18:34,653 --> 00:18:36,820
‐ Thank you. ‐ Joyce, thank you.
411
00:18:36,886 --> 00:18:38,886
Oh, thank you, Overton.
412
00:18:38,953 --> 00:18:40,673
(Marco) 'Ladies and
gentlemen, Joyce DeWitt.'
413
00:18:40,697 --> 00:18:42,653
'It's all part of the act now.'
414
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,586
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
415
00:18:45,653 --> 00:18:47,086
[crowd booing]
416
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:52,386
No more manicure, no more
scotch, no more money.
417
00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:55,106
Oh, God, he looks so
pathetic up there.
418
00:18:55,153 --> 00:18:56,386
Hmm.
419
00:18:56,453 --> 00:18:59,686
I'm gonna go help him out,
plus this crowd is hot.
420
00:18:59,753 --> 00:19:01,326
[in Russian accent]
Hey there, Boogey.
421
00:19:01,393 --> 00:19:02,693
Uh‐huh.
422
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:06,260
Get up off your knees,
have you no Russian pride?
423
00:19:06,326 --> 00:19:07,726
‐ Mother? ‐ Get up, Boogey.
424
00:19:07,793 --> 00:19:09,560
Yes, it's your mother
from the Ukraine.
425
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:10,760
Boogedy, Boogedy.
426
00:19:10,826 --> 00:19:12,360
[speaking in foreign language]
427
00:19:12,426 --> 00:19:14,326
Look at your face,
look at your face.
428
00:19:14,393 --> 00:19:16,893
Yes, I came to visit
you, look at you.
429
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,426
America has stolen your accent.
430
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:21,793
You should be home
shapin' the wax.
431
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:23,626
Shaping the wax.
432
00:19:23,693 --> 00:19:27,393
Yes, I am Boogedy, Russian
candle‐maker. Ah..
433
00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:30,460
Yes, the Boogey, look
at that face, Boogey.
434
00:19:30,526 --> 00:19:33,393
Listen, Boogey, I want you to
return with me to Mother Russia.
435
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,500
Or whatever the hell they
are calling it these days.
436
00:19:36,826 --> 00:19:37,860
'But first'
437
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,693
we finish what we start.
438
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,960
Uh 1, uh 2, to the beat
y'all, to the beat.
439
00:19:43,026 --> 00:19:46,626
♪ What the world needs now.. ♪
440
00:19:46,693 --> 00:19:49,960
Is more toilet paper.
441
00:19:50,026 --> 00:19:53,926
Comrades, to get in line for
toilet paper, wipe your booties.
442
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,926
[crowd cheering]
443
00:19:57,993 --> 00:19:59,226
Thank you, thank you.
444
00:19:59,293 --> 00:20:02,733
Baby, you stole the show
like a thief in the night.
445
00:20:04,533 --> 00:20:07,500
Miss, I'm Tony Jonas.
446
00:20:07,566 --> 00:20:09,046
President, Warner
Brothers Television.
447
00:20:09,070 --> 00:20:10,733
Tony Jonas, wow!
448
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,966
I'm Synclaire James,
I'm‐I'm‐I'm an actress.
449
00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:15,233
I can see that.
450
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,433
I came here to see Marco
451
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:17,966
for the role of the
renegade Rabbi
452
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,500
in one of our new shows.
453
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,566
But since he stinks
454
00:20:21,933 --> 00:20:23,900
'and you light up the stage..'
455
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:27,533
I'm thinkin' maybe that
Rabbi is a renegade nun.
456
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,133
Tony, I can do a renegade nun.
457
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,600
Yeah, and you also could be
an actor, but tragically..
458
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:34,766
You're not.
459
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,166
Call my secretary,
about the auditions.
460
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:40,600
Alright, Mr. Jonas,
thank you so much.
461
00:20:40,666 --> 00:20:43,400
Hey, Mr. Jonas, you think
you might have a show
462
00:20:43,466 --> 00:20:45,200
for a home‐spun handyman maybe?
463
00:20:45,966 --> 00:20:47,200
Home‐spun handyman?
464
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,333
Nah.
465
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:53,900
[bell rings]
466
00:20:54,466 --> 00:20:55,800
Khadijah.
467
00:20:55,866 --> 00:20:57,566
Baby Shaw is hungry.
468
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:02,540
Alright, here's your,
uh, pepperoni pizza
469
00:21:02,606 --> 00:21:05,640
your chili and your
two garlic pickles.
470
00:21:05,706 --> 00:21:07,106
Mm, on second thought
471
00:21:07,173 --> 00:21:09,406
baby Shaw is suddenly
craving Chinese.
472
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,073
Baby could drag his own
behind down to Tommy
473
00:21:13,140 --> 00:21:14,640
if he wants to feed himself.
474
00:21:16,940 --> 00:21:19,373
Oh, whoa! Oh, oh..
475
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:20,740
He's a demon dog.
476
00:21:20,806 --> 00:21:23,087
Aah, and here's the name of a
man that will be calling you
477
00:21:23,140 --> 00:21:25,606
about the damage to his Miata.
478
00:21:25,673 --> 00:21:28,473
So, you wanna have a nice
candle light dinner?
479
00:21:28,540 --> 00:21:29,540
Really?
480
00:21:29,573 --> 00:21:33,340
No, but I like your enthusiasm.
481
00:21:33,406 --> 00:21:35,373
See, that was just a.. See,
that was just, uh‐uh..
482
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,473
That was a joke.
483
00:21:37,673 --> 00:21:40,006
Oh, Walter, what am I
gonna do with you?
484
00:21:40,073 --> 00:21:41,806
Oh, mm, look at that.
485
00:21:41,873 --> 00:21:43,506
Baby loves mommy.
486
00:21:44,606 --> 00:21:45,640
You know, you have had
487
00:21:45,706 --> 00:21:47,806
a lot of sick
relationships, Max.
488
00:21:49,773 --> 00:21:50,906
But this one might work.
489
00:21:55,973 --> 00:21:57,973
[theme music]